Pain, Loss, Loved

As a child; life seemed so grand... so full of hope....so full of love...so full of many wondrous things but as you grow things change.  As each decade passes new experiences fills your life's toolbox with knowledge, memories, and abilities.  

Relationships develop in many forms and intensities... a child bonds with her mother can be and is often very different from her father.  As the years passes siblings appears and that changes the dynamic of the family unit.

No longer are you the center of the world.  Now you have to share. Sometimes dependent on who's perspective; things can be quite different, and yet all parties are exposed to the very same environment and situation.

ODD how that happens... one person sees things in such a different light while the other is completely unaware of it... maybe that's why you gaps, miscommunication and misunderstanding.

Another dynamic is the role that each members plays in the family unit... for example, the oldest child is sometimes thrust-ed into a more adult role than he/she excepted whereas the younger children tends to skirt by...but what's interesting is that from the younger children's viewpoint there is a conflict.

They tend to think that the oldest if the favorite...than again if you look from the oldest point of view the younger children are the favorite.

---SUCH B.S.---

BECAUSE in the eyes of the parent all are equally their favorite.  

That's the beginning of sibling conflicts that not only keeps going through to High School but into adulthood.

It's amplified when situation arises.... when the parents become old and are in need of help.

Oddly the enough when the call for help happens it's the oldest that end up providing the support yet the rest will talk as if providing the support but does nothing to actually provide that support.

As the parent's situation escalates and irrelevant to their past indiscretion with each of their children, (I believe as a child) that all children have a responsibility to EQUALLY do their part to help.

But the norm has been to do nothing or bare minimal while leaving the main bulk of the responsibility to one child.   

Since I've know this person, he sacrificed a lot... he scarified higher education to help his family yet the sibling don't see that or don't care.  When he earn well he shared his wealth with his loved ones especially in a time when the parents weren't able too-- just because life happened yet more was excepted of him while the rest demanded more attention from their parents which the parents their best.   

Like any family there will almost always be disagreements ... it's the nature of the struggle as the child not only figures out who she is or what she wants the battle infuses between her and her parents.

When there are more siblings going though similar path; the battle in the family unit become fierce, and at time can be and is emotionally scaring but not just to the child but also to the parents, siblings and anyone present during that struggle.

What makes this observation more interesting is that neither side and usually the more centric person --is-- willingly (usually they have to be always right or the one demanding others to bend to them and their ways) to step into the shoe of the other to understand and reflect why things got to be the way they are.

Lastly when one parent passes away, the family is in crisis, so many things to take care of and yet the spouse of the deceased is completely blindsided by the loss and is unable to do what is normally excepted.

And that's when the child have to step up and each do their part in a time of grief to work together to help one another but most important to help the last living parent through a very difficult time of having to adjust to living alone.

Again in observation, the oldest child is leaned on heavily and to be fair maybe there are a few siblings who finally realized that they had squandered they're deceased parent's last few years and are now attempting to not do the same with the last living parent.  

The difficulty arises again when certain things that should be happening is not happening; such as, all children equally helping the last living parents so that the responsibility does not fall on one or two children.  Yet the oldest puts up with the lack of support and takes on the role again for which the oldest is hated by the siblings for taking on that role but the irony is that the siblings want to appear to be in that role and be viewed as such without the real work that is involved.  

There may be cases in which this scenario does not apply but than again, this is my observation and I'm the one seeing the suffering,  the pain, the frustration, the worrying, the concerns, the desire for unity, the desire and wish for things to be what it once was ... before the death of a parent ... when the family was so happy, so united, so much fun, so caring, so loving and so together.

Alas, the irony of life.  We each have a journey...a book that we write with our every breath... we live, we love, we cry, we hate, we envy, we wonder, we worry and there so much more but in the end it really boils down to how we live and interact with others is how we each will be remembered.    Once the last person who remembers you ceases to exist so shall you.   Make the best out of life--- treat your loved ones with respect, with honor and be involved in their lives...  Do the right thing... do your part because one day it may be you who finds yourself in that very same situation as your last living parent.

One can only hope.  I can not change other people's behavior but I can mine. Living and learning.


Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all fathers...

Most recently my father was in hospital.  I flew to be at his side.  During that time I thought of all the moments we had together (both good and bad) for each moment had given me much to appreciate.

Observing the complexity of a family(ies) and their relationships, I had observed for most of my life the challenges of "being their for one another".

My mother has always told me this phrase,
"Today you are my Daughter and I'm your Mother...Tomorrow you will be a Mother and have your Daughter"

That phrase is such a powerful statement.

Sure there's no children in my life but guess what, I GOT it!!!

But most people who I know DON'T get it... They think that treating or not treating their parents with respect, caring and love that when it's their turn that such things won't happen to them.    We are all products of our parents and even though at times there's much disagreement .. maybe that's why there's generation gaps... our parents are still our parents nothing can change that.

I chose not to wear blinders and be open to the changes of life.... cause one day I; too, will be experiencing similarly to my parent. I have a duty to my parent as they age to be there for them.   They brought me in to this world, did their best to raise me, teach me their philosophy, protect me, provide me with a loving and caring home, and most of all they gave me unconditional love and for that I'm most grateful.

As I sat there in the hospital watching over my father, I had a flashback when I was bedridden sick that I could hardly get up and slept most of the time.  My father made fresh soup and sat at my side and feed me that wonderful soup.  I barely remember anything else during that time except for seeing him holding me up and lifting that spoon to my lips for me to eat.  His face full of hope and yet concerned about me....At my side he kept at it for days until I was much stronger and could feed for myself.

Today I'm at his side holding him in my arm and giving him the hope, strength and love to overcome this.  Today I'm also at the side of my mother giving her the much needed support... She has been running with him back and forth since late last year....and with this current situation and the thought of surgery she truly needed support, strength, a break, and much love.

I'm very fortunate that I have an honest and open relationship with both my parents.  They know that they can count on me and not only me but my partner their adopted son... Ron.  I'm grateful to have such an amazing husband.   We've been through a lot (the stories I could tell).... We work and provide support to one another's parents as they start to encounter the challenges of life.

I've learned much from both my parents as I observed how they treated their parents (my grandparents) and as I am treating my parents today that my mother's phrase,
"Today you are my daughter and I'm your mother...Tomorrow you will be a mother and have your daughter" is ABSOLUTELY TRUE.    And had I had children; I too, would have taught them just that---To value your parents because one day you would be one and you would want your children to see how you value your parents and for them to value you too.

Thank you FATHER and MOTHER for teaching me that.

Happy Father's Day Papi.  I love you very much and I'm honored to be your daughter and grateful that you're my father.



In deep thought today, (‪#‎PrayForOrlando‬) it's a real shame that we ALL can't seem to get along. Stepping back and looking at our tini tiny human history over the lifespan of our only home Planet Earth, why is there so much violence, hatred, abuse, and the list goes on and on.  

People this is our only home, it's being destroyed by our lack of empathy, caring, respect and love for all living things. Why are people so wrapped up with the concept of "THEM" versus "US" when we are all in it together. If anything stop for a moment... really think, seriously think... is it really worth all this hatred towards one another.

  So much negative energy spilling all over the place and nothing good is coming out of it. Instead losses, pain and suffering are being inflicted toward loved ones. It truly is time to stop such behaviour and seriously look at what's happening to one another and our only home.

Will humanity destroy itself because of the "THEM" versus "US" mentality. What examples are we teaching future generations?!? Well, if there is even a future generation at the rate that such behaviour continues to grow.

Just stop it. Try loving yourself, others, and you'll see that life is so so so much better.

 Peace out.




Very few impacted me
like the way Prince did.

When I heard of his passing I was shocked.  I had flashbacks of every moment in my life when a Prince song  just happend to be playing.  I grew up listening to him and following his life.  It saddens me that he left the way he did... the Flu sucks.

Yet my heart goes to his family and loved ones... and loved ones I thinks is worldwide.  My condolences to y'ah.

It's amazing how much he impacted so many.  Truly he is the artist and one of a kind.  Whenever I needed to escape there he was...  I listened to his lyrics while spacing out in deep deep thought and somehow magically there was a solution.

Grateful to him and all that he has left us.  He will soarly be missed and yet he will live on through his music, movie, and all the good he did.

I sit here reflecting of the losses of talent that has happened this year and I wonder who will be the next aspiring talent.  I know I don't have such talents but what I'm sure of is that it is up to us to spot and help aspiring talent.

Let's cultivate future artist.  It's though the cultivation that all our lives are enriched.

Missing you my "Prince" yet comforted by your legacy.
Love always & forever
My Hero


David Bowie

Thank you
   David Bowie
              for being you,
              for being daring,
              for being different,
              for impacting the world
with your creativity and leaving all of us such lovely gifts.

You'll be missed and forever remembered. My Hero.

Long Distance Elders

The world seems so different compared to when I was a child.
As a child, I never thought about old age, age in particular...
What's that?!? AGE, AGING, OLD
Isn't it just a number?

Growing up I was taught to respect and do my best to be there for my elders.  I remember my early day of driving, I used to make trips to visit my elders whether they are at home and more so if they are in the hospital.

Funny when I was dating, one of the dates were going to visit my edlers in the hospital.  Strangly and yet reassuring my date didn't mind since we were together.  I knew I had something worth pursuing from a date to a lifetime relationship.

As time goes by, the light that burns within these elders are slowly but surely extinguishing.

Most challenging for me is keeping in touch when I no longer live near them.  I do my best to keep in touch whether it's calling or sending them a handwritten letter.  But as these elders get older the more challenging it is for them with the degrading eye sight, loss of hearing, and very little mobility no wonder some eventually gives up.

Recently, I called one of my elders, she's in her late 80's and although her hearing is duable her memory isn't so sharp anymore.

The last few times I've called I've made a point to indentify myself and bringing up some of the past event to cue her who she's talking to but this round it was clearly evident that she did not know who she was talking to when I cued her she didn't reply as normal instead she faked it.   I made a few more attempt to verify and finally I confirmed that she did not know who she was talking and soon after she was ending the call.  As we said our goodbyes I couldn't help but to wonder whether or not to let go especially since this is a long distance relationship and there's only so much I can do.

My heart breaks thinking of the process that most of our edlers goes through... it ripes me apart inside.. the little girl in me refuses to let go while the adult in me has to learn to accept what is most natural in life.

Another elder who recently became a centenarian who I love dearly most recently has enter the final path or chapter in her life... she's exhibiting classic behaviors.  I used to visit her often.  When she was hurt in an accident I was there at her side than again it was serendipitous that I happen to be available to help take care of her which I know deep down inside that's when our relationship went from being friends to being family. I've known her for over a decade now yet sadly to say, I've had to move can no longer visit her as regularly instead I switched to calling and writing to her just as I have with my other elders.

Yet there comes a time when all my efforts to keep the long distance relationship going ends up causing more confusion for them.  Even though my elders love receiving phone calls they really don't know who they are talking to and it's emotionally difficult to be there for them when the conversation is non-existent.  It pains me to become a stranger again.

I sit here writing this and wondering will I do the same if and when I reach my elder's age.   I wonder will I even recognize my loved ones. Deep thoughts heh, yet these are topics that well, the young rarely ever think about until they are at an age which forces them to acknowledge the elders and for some the scariest thought of death.

Reflecting on this journey, I think that calling my elder is quite unproductive for both of us -- that doesn't mean that I've giving up but it does mean that I'll be switching to another form of communication --- handwritten letters with lots of photos.

And most likely it's going to be a one way communication until I get a notice from my elder's relatives to write no more or return to sender... sadly to say such are the reality of getting old but I won't give up on my elders even though I'm miles away.

My love for my elders transcends time, space and even death. Cherishing these moment as much as possible for it will be the memories that will bring the love and warmth when there is no more.


I sit here wondering to myself what have I done. For every step that I’ve taken it seems as though my forward movement is lacking. I bend over backwards to help… to be there… to listen…to support… and to create an environment that is like non-other.

Yet, it’s not enough... been at it for months… doing my best to get things done and done properly and within my capabilities. What’s missing, I wonder to myself.

I've put up with so much not only from my own family but from others, too. Struggling to keep this sanctuary flowing with positivity, creativity and peacefulness yet something is awry and I can’t seem to figure it out.

I’m so far behind because I keep missing the point in life. I spend so much time doing for others with no result and/or respect. I question my very own exisitance. Why do I even bother having expectations anymore.

It truly does make sense why "those that be" CHOOSES to dive into some form of escape. Making that decision is quite easy since it’s so much harder to do the right thing, RIGHT!?! or am I wrong yet again.

AND amazingly, society has classified such action as a disease thus "those that be" never faces the reality of their action and/or even are held accountable for those actions.

YET doing the right thing suprisingly is held accountable! JUST Beautiful!?!


Thank you from an artist

I take pride in what I do, I strive to do it well and I'm rewarded when I see others enjoying my work.  One of my personal goals is to bring back the "USA made" to truly mean made in the USA.  It's challenging but I'm a firm believer that we can do it. As I work and strive to provide top quality work, I'm grateful to you who made the choice to buy from me.  Not only did you help me but you also helped all those who were involved in the creations of my work.

I thought about how my creations helped to improve people's lives.   Not just those who are buying my creations but with their purchases are helping me to help many families earn a living.

As I sit here humbled by the interactive links of life, I realized how much we trust people to do the right thing.  How we take for granted the everyday things such as goods and services, maybe that's why I love watching "Dirty Jobs" with Mike Rowe.   He brings to light all the unsung heroes.  Yes, HEROES!!!  That hero could very well be you, and if so, "THANK YOU!!!!"

Mr. Rowe, keep doing what you’re doing...bringing light to a world that at times seems to be in darkness. Thank you for creating Dirty Jobs and dedicating time to present an awareness of such opportunities to the masses.

Whenever I watch the news media it saddens me to see so much focus on the negativity and yet all along there is so much good happening all around us.  We trust perfect strangers to do their job and do it well.   If it weren't for their dedication, pride and integrity where would we be?   Take a moment and think about it, really, where would we be?

This winter season share a smile or a hug and say thank you to all those unsung heroes who works and makes our daily lives so livable.

"THANK YOU for doing what you do best."
~Evelyn Nelson

Why o Why?

Why O why?  If one were to do some of the things that are so common today such as rigging a system and getting away with it...one would be on easy street with no accountability for their action.  And yet a honest person can't seem to move forward and even earn a decent living.

What the hell has happened to the middle class?  It's not the lack of education...it's not the lack skills, it's not stupidity--something shifted and it shifted in a way that has not only hurt the middle class but it is wiping out the middle class.

I ask you, those whom feed off the middle class to poor's back when IS it enough??? When will you acknowledge and be held account for your action or there lack of that has created such a non-condusive environment in this great country of ours.

It's a shame that USA has lost is status.  I see other countries doing more for it's people and in return those countries are kicking our arses.  How could this have happened?

What are the forces making this country of ours so polarized?  What the hell happened? Don't people genuinely care anymore?

I hear and see talks about improving situations and yet the solutions presented seems to have a string attached to it that gets yanked out from underneath most of the time.  D
amn it..this scratched record is on repeat... when will this shit change, pardon my frustration.  But it's time to break that record.

Again things are so polarized, racism is alive and well and in its every form...Globally everyone should respect one another in this is a f**k'n small planet and at the rate that things are going...it's just a matter of time before there is no more, and then what?!? wait for a miracle?  a magical force to intervene and everything will be good as new like in a story book.... THINK AGAIN... what you do today, you will ultimately pay. If not you then your loved ones that follows.

Are people conscious of their action? Do they even care? Is this modern day society so narcissistic and detached from the real world human interaction that they just don't give a damn anymore?

I love technology and see the wonderful benefits that some have to offer but other parts of technology; sadly to say, has fueled such detachment. It's an illusion which I don't know if it helps or hinders.


No wonder

Life is like a combination of a roller coaster and a formula one race where things happen so fast and then there's the long, long, long waits.  I always find it interesting (I may be wrong in saying this) how others think they know what's going on in your world but in reality they can't begin to imagine the behind the scene activities and challenges.

Sadly to say, it's ever so difficult to share such activities cause at times most don't want to hear it; even though there's an expression of interest, but its truly not.  It is more important for them to talk about themselves and their activities.  I usually find myself shutting up and just listening.  After several attempts, I get the message and begin to change the way I communicate. I thought relationships are of mutual sharing and listening, I was in error.

Just frustrated that no matter how hard I work or do thing the right way using best practices, it seems to me that things are so stacked against me.  It can be overwhelming at times.  Making things much more frustrating is how what I do are viewed as magic or easy when in reality it's quite complicated.  Mounting to that are such behaviors or comments that undermine my work, my value and my creativity makes me feel blah.

Yet I'm expected to make every effort to keep in touch when in reality it's not reciprocated towards me. Ironic eh, I find myself in an one way communication.  It's strange to be in such a predicament.  I wonder if this is normal.

There are a few whom reciprocates, respect, support and helps me when I need it the most which i'm ever so grateful. And even rarer are the ones that I can depend on.  Maybe it's better to leave things as they are.   Maybe the problem is me.  Maybe by removing the problem all else will fall in to place.  Maybe things will improve by accepting life is just the ways it is.

No matter how hard I work, I seem to be standing still.  In that case, I'll leave it be.  Tired, ever so tired.