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August 22nd, 2018

Pain, Loss, Loved

As a child; life seemed so grand... so full of hope....so full of love...so full of many wondrous things but as you grow things change.  As each decade passes new experiences fills your life's toolbox with knowledge, memories, and abilities.  


Relationships develop in many forms and intensities... a child bonds with her mother can be and is often very different from her father.  As the years passes siblings appears and that changes the dynamic of the family unit.


No longer are you the center of the world.  Now you have to share. Sometimes dependent on who's perspective; things can be quite different, and yet all parties are exposed to the very same environment and situation.


ODD how that happens... one person sees things in such a different light while the other is completely unaware of it... maybe that's why you gaps, miscommunication and misunderstanding.


Another dynamic is the role that each members plays in the family unit... for example, the oldest child is sometimes thrust-ed into a more adult role than he/she excepted whereas the younger children tends to skirt by...but what's interesting is that from the younger children's viewpoint there is a conflict.


They tend to think that the oldest if the favorite...than again if you look from the oldest point of view the younger children are the favorite.


---SUCH B.S.---


BECAUSE in the eyes of the parent all are equally their favorite.  


That's the beginning of sibling conflicts that not only keeps going through to High School but into adulthood.


It's amplified when situation arises.... when the parents become old and are in need of help.


Oddly the enough when the call for help happens it's the oldest that end up providing the support yet the rest will talk as if providing the support but does nothing to actually provide that support.


As the parent's situation escalates and irrelevant to their past indiscretion with each of their children, (I believe as a child) that all children have a responsibility to EQUALLY do their part to help.


But the norm has been to do nothing or bare minimal while leaving the main bulk of the responsibility to one child.   


Since I've know this person, he sacrificed a lot... he scarified higher education to help his family yet the sibling don't see that or don't care.  When he earn well he shared his wealth with his loved ones especially in a time when the parents weren't able too-- just because life happened yet more was excepted of him while the rest demanded more attention from their parents which the parents their best.   


Like any family there will almost always be disagreements ... it's the nature of the struggle as the child not only figures out who she is or what she wants the battle infuses between her and her parents.


When there are more siblings going though similar path; the battle in the family unit become fierce, and at time can be and is emotionally scaring but not just to the child but also to the parents, siblings and anyone present during that struggle.


What makes this observation more interesting is that neither side and usually the more centric person --is-- willingly (usually they have to be always right or the one demanding others to bend to them and their ways) to step into the shoe of the other to understand and reflect why things got to be the way they are.


Lastly when one parent passes away, the family is in crisis, so many things to take care of and yet the spouse of the deceased is completely blindsided by the loss and is unable to do what is normally excepted.


And that's when the child have to step up and each do their part in a time of grief to work together to help one another but most important to help the last living parent through a very difficult time of having to adjust to living alone.


Again in observation, the oldest child is leaned on heavily and to be fair maybe there are a few siblings who finally realized that they had squandered they're deceased parent's last few years and are now attempting to not do the same with the last living parent.  


The difficulty arises again when certain things that should be happening is not happening; such as, all children equally helping the last living parents so that the responsibility does not fall on one or two children.  Yet the oldest puts up with the lack of support and takes on the role again for which the oldest is hated by the siblings for taking on that role but the irony is that the siblings want to appear to be in that role and be viewed as such without the real work that is involved.  


There may be cases in which this scenario does not apply but than again, this is my observation and I'm the one seeing the suffering,  the pain, the frustration, the worrying, the concerns, the desire for unity, the desire and wish for things to be what it once was ... before the death of a parent ... when the family was so happy, so united, so much fun, so caring, so loving and so together.


Alas, the irony of life.  We each have a journey...a book that we write with our every breath... we live, we love, we cry, we hate, we envy, we wonder, we worry and there so much more but in the end it really boils down to how we live and interact with others is how we each will be remembered.    Once the last person who remembers you ceases to exist so shall you.   Make the best out of life--- treat your loved ones with respect, with honor and be involved in their lives...  Do the right thing... do your part because one day it may be you who finds yourself in that very same situation as your last living parent.


One can only hope.  I can not change other people's behavior but I can mine. Living and learning.

     
         
         (c) 2006-Current -All context and photos by Sybarite13

    

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